Rudeness, disrespect, and insensitive behavior is rampant. From passengers slapping flight attendants to restaurant patrons belittling servers to customers blowing up at service representatives, incivility is on the rise in all lines of business and areas of society.
The causes, while still no excuse for incivility, vary from burnout at work to trying to make ends meet as the cost of living rises to a sense of disconnection with others as a result of excessive engagement in social media. Additionally, provocative language from our political leaders sets a malicious tone nationally. These and other factors contribute to unprecedented levels of stress in many people’s lives and a resulting lack of patience and compassion with others.
Sadly, rudeness can be contagious. As it spreads, it affects people and organizations in catastrophic ways. Merely reading or overhearing rude remarks takes a cognitive toll and reduces camaraderie and productivity. The best way for organizations to counteract the menace of incivility is to foster a sense of community among team members. Embed organizational values that uphold respect for one another and set norms for courteous interactions with all parties.
If you are on the receiving end of abusive behavior, it’s important to take the steps needed to defuse the offender. Remind yourself that this person is clearly looking for a target upon which to vent anxiety, anger, and frustration that has nothing to do with you. Sure, being the victim of another’s vitriol is extremely upsetting and can rattle you to your core. Nevertheless, rising above is usually a smart strategy. Here are some tips for maintaining your temper.
1. Take a breath and ground yourself. Simply pausing for the amount of time that it takes to breathe deeply in and out will send a signal to the offender that you’re not going to stoop to their low level of malice. As you breathe, remind yourself to relax. Allow your breath to calm you so that you refrain from falling into fight or flight mode. If the offense was made via email, also take a breath. Walk away from the screen. Remember that the person you are dealing with is unhinged. Don’t reply immediately. The longer you wait, the cooler your response will be. If you wait before replying, it will give the offender time to cool down as well.
2. Don’t retaliate. Generally, rudeness can be attributed to ignorance more than maliciousness. Keep this in mind as you try to tolerate another’s unconstrained emotions. Never regress into raising your voice or using offensive language in return. In a calm moment, days later, you may be able to address the infraction if the person is a repeat offender.
3. Comport yourself with decency and dignity. As an out-of-control client, customer, or co-worker hurls insults at you, behave as you would if your boss were watching. Consider the way in which you respond as a test of your composure. Repeat the mantra, “It’s not me, it’s him,” to yourself as often as needed. Drink a glass of water. Tamp down your nerves.
4. Give the complainer your undivided attention. It’s likely that the person having the outburst has been offended by some treatment or service provided. Whatever the perceived offense, the person wants to feel valued, heard, and appreciated. Offer an apology if one is warranted. If necessary, refer the complainer to a higher up. Keep all communications courteous, especially emails. A good rule of thumb: never send out an email that would embarrass your grandmother.
5. Address the core problem, not the offense. In the midst of the confrontation, listen for the person’s underlying issue. Decipher what would be the best way to smooth over their frustration and readily provide it. Be solutions-oriented and super polite. Promise you will address the issues by a certain date — and keep your promise.
6. Model a kinder, gentler approach. Be the calm counterbalance to the emotional outburst. Through your unruffled demeanor, let the offender know that you’re capable of weathering the abuse without becoming irritated or snappish. Your composure may mollify the other person’s agitation. At the same time, resolve to not be a “punching bag” for this person’s emotional outbursts. Nothing will be resolved in the heat of the moment. Once everyone has simmered down, you can start to come up with solutions.
7. Prioritize self-care. Build your emotional reserves by taking breaks, walking outside to clear your head, and allowing yourself to recover your equilibrium. Make time outside of work to engage with people or in activities that bring a sense of joy. Try yoga, meditation, or just listening to a song you love. Hit the gym often. Leave behind the stresses of stressful confrontations and immerse yourself in positivity.
Dealing with difficult people will never be easy. Instead of becoming defensive and confronting incivility with more incivility, use these defusing techniques to de-escalate the tension. Weathering the waves of verbal abuse from your calm center will keep your resolve from eroding.
More Than Manners: The Role of Civility In Society Today(Opens in a new browser tab)
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Vicky Oliver is a leading career development expert and the multi-best-selling author of five books, including 301 Smart Answers to Tough Business Etiquette Questions (Skyhorse, 2010). She is a sought-after speaker and seminar presenter and a popular media source, having made over 901 appearances in broadcast, print and online outlets. Vicky Oliver is the Nonfiction Editor at LIT Magazine, the Journal of the New School Masters in Fine Arts Creative Writing, and teaches essay writing at the New York Writers Workshop. For more information, visit vickyoliver.com.
By Vicky Oliver
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